A Rollercoaster of Emotions

On January 31, I still hadn’t started my period but I was spotting a little. I took a few tests but couldn’t tell if there was a line or not because it was very faint. I then took a digital test and it was positive! I was excited but I didn’t want to get too excited because of my past experience with being pregnant. I called the doctor and they ordered a bloodtest. Right after I did the bloodwork, I started bleeding more so I knew it wasn’t going to be good. I checked MyChart and saw it was positive but VERY low HCG (only 13).

That could mean one of two things.

1. That I was off with my dates. It could be low because I was very early on in the pregnancy (like 3 weeks) or

2. That I was miscarrying.

I knew I could have been a few days off but not weeks so I knew the inevitable was coming. Sure enough, I took another test a few days later and it was negative.

When the nurse called me with the results, she said to come back in a week and get my levels checked again. HCG(pregnancy hormone) should double every 48 hours. If it rises, it means the pregnancy is going good. If it decreases, then you are most likely having a miscarriage. I already know what my results are going to be since I have been bleeding a lot more the past few days. The reason I want to get it checked is to make sure that all of the HCG is gone. HCG can stay in your system for a while. I don’t want to be testing next month, thinking I was pregnant when really it was just leftover HCG from before.

I am going to talk with my doctor to see if there is anything else I can do or take ,such as progesterone, that may help when I am pregnant. Tim and I have talked it over and have decided that if we aren’t pregnant (and have it be a viable pregnancy) by the end of the year that we are going to start the adoption process.

We started showing Avery sign language DVDs and she really seems to like it. She is catching on fast. She knows Mommy, Daddy, sleep, eat, drink, and help really well. She (sometimes) knows shoes, socks, ball, coat and blanket. Tim’s parents watched her the other day while we went out to dinner. While we were gone, she learned how to say Grandpa. Her and Grandma were shouting in the other room to him. It is very cute. I will try to post some videos of her doing sign language.

Chewie is the best!

Mommy was all excited because I could of had a new brother or sister :(

Making faces for the camera

I went to Build A Bear and made a cute bunny. This is me picking out the heart to put in it.

I am signing Daddy and Mommy

I am signing "sleep". Its even funnier when I do this sign standing up because I bend over and look like I am going to fall. Mommy and Daddy laugh every time.

D&C Day

I apologize that this post really isn't about Avery today. Its going to be for everyone suffering from a miscarriage who is thinking about having a D&C. We are devastated but wanted to share with you about our experience.

I searched many sites when I heard I was going to be having a possible miscarriage to find out more info about the D&C and I liked being as informed as possible before I made my decision. We knew we couldn't live with ourselves doing anything before there was no heartbeat.

On Monday they confirmed our baby no longer had a heartbeat. I knew I did not want to go through the physical and emotional pain of waiting for the miscarriage to happen naturally. Plus, the doctor said that he thinks the baby died last week and my body wasn't showing any signs of miscarrying on its own (no bleeding or cramping).

The D&C was scheduled for Friday. I wasn't allowed to eat anything after midnight on Thursday night. We had to be at the surgery center at 6:30am. My surgery was scheduled for 7:45am. We got checked in and they took us back. I changed into the gown and the no skid slipper socks and they came and put my IV in. The IV was the most painful part of the whole procedure (of course besides the emotional pain we were going through). Everyone from the nurse, anesthesia and doctor that came in to talk to us said they were sorry for our loss.

The weirdest part was walking into the operating room. They carried my IV bag while I made sure to try to keep the back of my gown closed so no one got a show. I climbed up on the operating table. They did their time out procedure where they reviewed my name, birthdate, procedure I was having. Everyone agreed and they asked me if I agreed and I said yes. I laid back on the table and they put a belt around my waste and tied both of my arms out(like on a crucifix). They put the mask on my face and asked me to take a few deep breaths and that's all I remember.

I woke up in recovery. I wasn't in any pain. They asked if I wanted something to eat and drink so I had a pack of Lorna Doone cookies and a ginger ale. They then brought Tim back to see me. He said I was pretty out of it and kept asking him the same questions like "did you let the chickens out this morning" (which is actually a valid question) and how did the doctor say my surgery went. We were there for probably 20 more minutes and Tim went to get my prescriptions (an antibiotic and Vicodin) and pull the car around. I wanted to make sure I could pee before I left and then they wheeled me to the car in a wheelchair. (One of my biggest fears after having the surgery was that it would hurt when I pee like it did after I gave birth. I kept imagining I would have to use the little water squirt bottle to help with the pain.) Much to my surprise there was no pain, just a little blood. The doctor said I would probably have some bleeding for 5-7 days. He said no sex or tampons for a week and to come back in 3 weeks for a follow up.

We got home around 10am. I ate some Subway, took a Vicodin and napped for 4-5 hours. I woke up feeling really pretty good. No cramping, just a little bit of bleeding.
Tim picked Avery up from daycare and we ended up taking her to Chuck E Cheese that night. We wanted to spend some time with her doing something fun. She had a good time. I took another Vicodin around 9 even though I wasn't having any pain/cramping.

I woke up at 7:30am with horrible cramps. I have decided to take the pain pills every 6 hours for a few days just to try to stay on top of it. Other than the cramps this morning, I have been feeling really good, just some slight bleeding.

Overall, I am happy I had the D&C because now I feel like we can move on faster.

We have been asked if we are going to try again, even with the problems Avery had and the miscarriage and the cystic hygroma this baby had. Yes we are going to try again. If we get pregnant again and there is a problem like a birth defect or chromosome problem, we will then look into adoption.  I told Tim we should just start the adoption process now because it could take awhile. Plus many people who start the adoption process or adopt end up getting pregnant. If anyone knows about the adoption in the US, please email me.

Overall, we are sad that this happened but it does make us appreciate Avery and the little things in life even more.

I wanted to thank everyone for their thoughts and prayers. Also, for everyone that shared with me their personal miscarriage and D&C story, I really appreciate it and it has definitely helped me along this journey.

Look how huge Mommy was looking at 10-11 weeks!

Another picture of Mommy's huge belly. Even Chewie can't believe how big it is.



Here is Mommy after surgery

 

I helped Mommy write this blog post.

 

Mommy and Daddy say thank you for the flowers Uncle Jimmy and Aunt Laura!!

 

It's a Sad, Sad Day...

Tomorrow we say goodbye to our baby. I don't know where to begin.

On September 14 we went for an appointment with my OB. I thought we would be developing a plan on how often I would be monitored. I never imagined we would be talking about a possible miscarriage. The thought never even crossed my mind. Tim and I just kept thinking and worrying about having another preemie that we never even imagined the possibility of a miscarriage.

We chatted with the doctor for a bit and he said he would want me to start getting progesterone shots starting at 18 weeks. He said they have been known to help keep the baby inside for as long as possible. He also explained that since I am 35 he would want me to get testingWe then had an ultrasound and that's when our world turned upside down. Tim and I knew there was a problem right away. We didn't see the flicker of a heartbeat, which we saw a few weeks before that. He sent us down to the Maternal Fetal Medicine department for another ultrasound.

The doctor there said "We have a problem, your baby is going to die". Even though he was so blunt, I was happy he didn't beat around the bush and try to sugarcoat everything. The baby's heartbeat was only 78 beats per minute (should be 150+) and he diagnosed the baby with cystic hygroma. A cystic hygroma is diagnosed in about 1-5,000-10,000 babies. This fluid filled cyst is filled with lymphatic fluid due to the baby's lymph nodes not working properly. Our ultrasound revealed a cyst near the back of the baby's neck. When you looked down at the baby's head, the doctor said it looked like the baby had a halo and that this was all swelling. (You can find out more about cystic hygroma HERE).

He asked if we wanted to terminate the pregnancy. Even though the inevitable was going to happen, we had no desire to terminate the pregnancy while the baby's heart was still beating. He told us to come back a week later for another ultrasound and to check the heartbeat.

Tim and I went for another ultrasound on Monday, September 21 and there was no heartbeat. Even though we were prepared for this day, it was still devastating. They measured the baby and it measured around 9 weeks 6 days, which means the heart stopped beating a day or two after our ultrasound last week. This was probably also around the same time my nauseousness stopped. We scheduled a D&C this Friday. I wanted a D&C for a few reasons:

1. I have heard of people waiting to miscarriage naturally and it could take weeks
2. You never know when its going to happen. I have heard from some of my friends and they say when it happened, they bled so much that it was scary. What if it happened when I was home alone with Avery?
3. Sometimes having a miscarriage is just as painful as childbirth. Your body can have painful contractions and you feel the urge to push.
4. I want to get the baby tested for chromosomal issues and if I ended up miscarrying at home, this would make it difficult to send the baby to the lab for testing.


I was just starting to get a baby belly..it literally showed up overnight. My stomach is as big now at 11 weeks as it was around 19 weeks with Avery. It's crazy how fast it started to get bigger. I took a few pics and will post them some other time.

Here is the last pic we have of Baby S. It was starting to look super cute!

I know this is a private matter but the reason I decided to share this is so everyone know's why Tim and I may not be ourselves lately. We just need some time. I know things will eventually get easier. I know people go through miscarriages all the time.(10-25% of all pregnancies end in miscarriage).Many people also experience having a preemie/baby in the nicu. You never know what any of it is really like until you experience it for yourself. Again, it makes you much more grateful and appreciative of the little things in life.