I saw an article posted on Facebook/Huffington post and I had to share it. It describes our journey with Avery perfectly.I think this quote sums it up best..
"They know what it's like to realize, finally, that it doesn't really matter if their children have learning disabilities or motor issues or vision problems, or if they take forever to learn to walk -- or even if they never learn -- because as long as their children live, they'll figure the rest out."
Here is a direct link to the article:
"What Parents of Premature Babies Know for Sure" by Alana Romain.
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/alana-romain/what-parents-of-premature-babies-know-for-sure_b_6752484.html
Having a premature baby is heartbreaking. It's scary and hard and sad and isolating and traumatic, and something that no one deserves to experience. But preemie parents know something that others don't. They know that, even despite all the pain and struggle and tears and sleepless night, having a premature baby is still really, really wonderful.
Preemie moms know loss. The loss of the dream of a healthy pregnancy, of a big, pregnant belly and a fat, crying baby, and the experience they thought they were going to have that was going to look like everyone else's. They know fear and helplessness, wanting so desperately to help their children and take away their pain, wishing they could do anything to make sure they'd come home with them when this was all over. They know what it's like to imagine their futures and those of their children and know that maybe it will be much harder than they ever imagined.
But they also know other things.
They know what it's like to look at an impossibly tiny baby with paper-thin skin and eyes that can't yet open, attached to machines and IV lines, and still honestly feel overwhelming love, still honestly believing they are the most beautiful being that ever existed.
They know what it's like to find joy in the tiniest milestones, like little weight gains, or moving onto CPAP, or wearing clothes (finally!) for the first time.
They know what it's like to sit and cuddle their babies skin-to-skin for hours on end, hooking themselves up to hospital breast pumps no matter how much they hate it because it's one of the most important things they can do to help their children grow.
They know what it's like to love someone so much that they would give anything to see them healthy and happy.
They know what it's like to realize, finally, that it doesn't really matter if their children have learning disabilities or motor issues or vision problems, or if they take forever to learn to walk -- or even if they never learn -- because as long as their children live, they'll figure the rest out.
They know that no matter how frustrated they may get when their children cry or yell or throw things or climb on something they aren't supposed to climb on, there's still a part of them remembering the time when their children's lungs weren't strong enough to cry, and when they didn't know if they'd ever yell or throw things or climb.
They know that every milestone, whatever it looks like and whenever it's reached, is a celebration.
There is a lot of variation in preemie outcomes, and some parents have it easier or harder than others. Some will struggle more and have a more complicated road to travel. But the one thing they know for sure -- the one thing that the doctors and nurses and family and friends, and all the other moms and dads of the world can't truly ever understand -- is that when they look at their children (their perfect, gorgeous, amazing children) they see warriors, babies who have fought harder and overcome more than anyone could possibly have imagined, and that getting to be their parents is the best, most incredible thing that could have ever happened to them.
Having a premature baby might be one of the hardest things that has ever happened to them. But it might just be one of the best, too.
Monday, September 28, 2015
Saturday, September 26, 2015
D&C Day
I apologize that this post really isn't about Avery today. Its going to be for everyone suffering from a miscarriage who is thinking about having a D&C. We are devastated but wanted to share with you about our experience.
I searched many sites when I heard I was going to be having a possible miscarriage to find out more info about the D&C and I liked being as informed as possible before I made my decision. We knew we couldn't live with ourselves doing anything before there was no heartbeat.
On Monday they confirmed our baby no longer had a heartbeat. I knew I did not want to go through the physical and emotional pain of waiting for the miscarriage to happen naturally. Plus, the doctor said that he thinks the baby died last week and my body wasn't showing any signs of miscarrying on its own (no bleeding or cramping).
The D&C was scheduled for Friday. I wasn't allowed to eat anything after midnight on Thursday night. We had to be at the surgery center at 6:30am. My surgery was scheduled for 7:45am. We got checked in and they took us back. I changed into the gown and the no skid slipper socks and they came and put my IV in. The IV was the most painful part of the whole procedure (of course besides the emotional pain we were going through). Everyone from the nurse, anesthesia and doctor that came in to talk to us said they were sorry for our loss.
The weirdest part was walking into the operating room. They carried my IV bag while I made sure to try to keep the back of my gown closed so no one got a show. I climbed up on the operating table. They did their time out procedure where they reviewed my name, birthdate, procedure I was having. Everyone agreed and they asked me if I agreed and I said yes. I laid back on the table and they put a belt around my waste and tied both of my arms out(like on a crucifix). They put the mask on my face and asked me to take a few deep breaths and that's all I remember.
I woke up in recovery. I wasn't in any pain. They asked if I wanted something to eat and drink so I had a pack of Lorna Doone cookies and a ginger ale. They then brought Tim back to see me. He said I was pretty out of it and kept asking him the same questions like "did you let the chickens out this morning" (which is actually a valid question) and how did the doctor say my surgery went. We were there for probably 20 more minutes and Tim went to get my prescriptions (an antibiotic and Vicodin) and pull the car around. I wanted to make sure I could pee before I left and then they wheeled me to the car in a wheelchair. (One of my biggest fears after having the surgery was that it would hurt when I pee like it did after I gave birth. I kept imagining I would have to use the little water squirt bottle to help with the pain.) Much to my surprise there was no pain, just a little blood. The doctor said I would probably have some bleeding for 5-7 days. He said no sex or tampons for a week and to come back in 3 weeks for a follow up.
We got home around 10am. I ate some Subway, took a Vicodin and napped for 4-5 hours. I woke up feeling really pretty good. No cramping, just a little bit of bleeding.
Tim picked Avery up from daycare and we ended up taking her to Chuck E Cheese that night. We wanted to spend some time with her doing something fun. She had a good time. I took another Vicodin around 9 even though I wasn't having any pain/cramping.
I woke up at 7:30am with horrible cramps. I have decided to take the pain pills every 6 hours for a few days just to try to stay on top of it. Other than the cramps this morning, I have been feeling really good, just some slight bleeding.
Overall, I am happy I had the D&C because now I feel like we can move on faster.
We have been asked if we are going to try again, even with the problems Avery had and the miscarriage and the cystic hygroma this baby had. Yes we are going to try again. If we get pregnant again and there is a problem like a birth defect or chromosome problem, we will then look into adoption. I told Tim we should just start the adoption process now because it could take awhile. Plus many people who start the adoption process or adopt end up getting pregnant. If anyone knows about the adoption in the US, please email me.
Overall, we are sad that this happened but it does make us appreciate Avery and the little things in life even more.
I wanted to thank everyone for their thoughts and prayers. Also, for everyone that shared with me their personal miscarriage and D&C story, I really appreciate it and it has definitely helped me along this journey.
I searched many sites when I heard I was going to be having a possible miscarriage to find out more info about the D&C and I liked being as informed as possible before I made my decision. We knew we couldn't live with ourselves doing anything before there was no heartbeat.
On Monday they confirmed our baby no longer had a heartbeat. I knew I did not want to go through the physical and emotional pain of waiting for the miscarriage to happen naturally. Plus, the doctor said that he thinks the baby died last week and my body wasn't showing any signs of miscarrying on its own (no bleeding or cramping).
The D&C was scheduled for Friday. I wasn't allowed to eat anything after midnight on Thursday night. We had to be at the surgery center at 6:30am. My surgery was scheduled for 7:45am. We got checked in and they took us back. I changed into the gown and the no skid slipper socks and they came and put my IV in. The IV was the most painful part of the whole procedure (of course besides the emotional pain we were going through). Everyone from the nurse, anesthesia and doctor that came in to talk to us said they were sorry for our loss.
The weirdest part was walking into the operating room. They carried my IV bag while I made sure to try to keep the back of my gown closed so no one got a show. I climbed up on the operating table. They did their time out procedure where they reviewed my name, birthdate, procedure I was having. Everyone agreed and they asked me if I agreed and I said yes. I laid back on the table and they put a belt around my waste and tied both of my arms out(like on a crucifix). They put the mask on my face and asked me to take a few deep breaths and that's all I remember.
I woke up in recovery. I wasn't in any pain. They asked if I wanted something to eat and drink so I had a pack of Lorna Doone cookies and a ginger ale. They then brought Tim back to see me. He said I was pretty out of it and kept asking him the same questions like "did you let the chickens out this morning" (which is actually a valid question) and how did the doctor say my surgery went. We were there for probably 20 more minutes and Tim went to get my prescriptions (an antibiotic and Vicodin) and pull the car around. I wanted to make sure I could pee before I left and then they wheeled me to the car in a wheelchair. (One of my biggest fears after having the surgery was that it would hurt when I pee like it did after I gave birth. I kept imagining I would have to use the little water squirt bottle to help with the pain.) Much to my surprise there was no pain, just a little blood. The doctor said I would probably have some bleeding for 5-7 days. He said no sex or tampons for a week and to come back in 3 weeks for a follow up.
We got home around 10am. I ate some Subway, took a Vicodin and napped for 4-5 hours. I woke up feeling really pretty good. No cramping, just a little bit of bleeding.
Tim picked Avery up from daycare and we ended up taking her to Chuck E Cheese that night. We wanted to spend some time with her doing something fun. She had a good time. I took another Vicodin around 9 even though I wasn't having any pain/cramping.
I woke up at 7:30am with horrible cramps. I have decided to take the pain pills every 6 hours for a few days just to try to stay on top of it. Other than the cramps this morning, I have been feeling really good, just some slight bleeding.
Overall, I am happy I had the D&C because now I feel like we can move on faster.
We have been asked if we are going to try again, even with the problems Avery had and the miscarriage and the cystic hygroma this baby had. Yes we are going to try again. If we get pregnant again and there is a problem like a birth defect or chromosome problem, we will then look into adoption. I told Tim we should just start the adoption process now because it could take awhile. Plus many people who start the adoption process or adopt end up getting pregnant. If anyone knows about the adoption in the US, please email me.
Overall, we are sad that this happened but it does make us appreciate Avery and the little things in life even more.
I wanted to thank everyone for their thoughts and prayers. Also, for everyone that shared with me their personal miscarriage and D&C story, I really appreciate it and it has definitely helped me along this journey.
Look how huge Mommy was looking at 10-11 weeks!
Another picture of Mommy's huge belly. Even Chewie can't believe how big it is.
Here is Mommy after surgery
I helped Mommy write this blog post.
Mommy and Daddy say thank you for the flowers Uncle Jimmy and Aunt Laura!!
Thursday, September 24, 2015
It's a Sad, Sad Day...
Tomorrow we say goodbye to our baby. I don't know where to begin.
On September 14 we went for an appointment with my OB. I thought we would be developing a plan on how often I would be monitored. I never imagined we would be talking about a possible miscarriage. The thought never even crossed my mind. Tim and I just kept thinking and worrying about having another preemie that we never even imagined the possibility of a miscarriage.
We chatted with the doctor for a bit and he said he would want me to start getting progesterone shots starting at 18 weeks. He said they have been known to help keep the baby inside for as long as possible. He also explained that since I am 35 he would want me to get testingWe then had an ultrasound and that's when our world turned upside down. Tim and I knew there was a problem right away. We didn't see the flicker of a heartbeat, which we saw a few weeks before that. He sent us down to the Maternal Fetal Medicine department for another ultrasound.
The doctor there said "We have a problem, your baby is going to die". Even though he was so blunt, I was happy he didn't beat around the bush and try to sugarcoat everything. The baby's heartbeat was only 78 beats per minute (should be 150+) and he diagnosed the baby with cystic hygroma. A cystic hygroma is diagnosed in about 1-5,000-10,000 babies. This fluid filled cyst is filled with lymphatic fluid due to the baby's lymph nodes not working properly. Our ultrasound revealed a cyst near the back of the baby's neck. When you looked down at the baby's head, the doctor said it looked like the baby had a halo and that this was all swelling. (You can find out more about cystic hygroma HERE).
He asked if we wanted to terminate the pregnancy. Even though the inevitable was going to happen, we had no desire to terminate the pregnancy while the baby's heart was still beating. He told us to come back a week later for another ultrasound and to check the heartbeat.
Tim and I went for another ultrasound on Monday, September 21 and there was no heartbeat. Even though we were prepared for this day, it was still devastating. They measured the baby and it measured around 9 weeks 6 days, which means the heart stopped beating a day or two after our ultrasound last week. This was probably also around the same time my nauseousness stopped. We scheduled a D&C this Friday. I wanted a D&C for a few reasons:
1. I have heard of people waiting to miscarriage naturally and it could take weeks
2. You never know when its going to happen. I have heard from some of my friends and they say when it happened, they bled so much that it was scary. What if it happened when I was home alone with Avery?
3. Sometimes having a miscarriage is just as painful as childbirth. Your body can have painful contractions and you feel the urge to push.
4. I want to get the baby tested for chromosomal issues and if I ended up miscarrying at home, this would make it difficult to send the baby to the lab for testing.
I was just starting to get a baby belly..it literally showed up overnight. My stomach is as big now at 11 weeks as it was around 19 weeks with Avery. It's crazy how fast it started to get bigger. I took a few pics and will post them some other time.
Here is the last pic we have of Baby S. It was starting to look super cute!
I know this is a private matter but the reason I decided to share this is so everyone know's why Tim and I may not be ourselves lately. We just need some time. I know things will eventually get easier. I know people go through miscarriages all the time.(10-25% of all pregnancies end in miscarriage).Many people also experience having a preemie/baby in the nicu. You never know what any of it is really like until you experience it for yourself. Again, it makes you much more grateful and appreciative of the little things in life.
On September 14 we went for an appointment with my OB. I thought we would be developing a plan on how often I would be monitored. I never imagined we would be talking about a possible miscarriage. The thought never even crossed my mind. Tim and I just kept thinking and worrying about having another preemie that we never even imagined the possibility of a miscarriage.
We chatted with the doctor for a bit and he said he would want me to start getting progesterone shots starting at 18 weeks. He said they have been known to help keep the baby inside for as long as possible. He also explained that since I am 35 he would want me to get testingWe then had an ultrasound and that's when our world turned upside down. Tim and I knew there was a problem right away. We didn't see the flicker of a heartbeat, which we saw a few weeks before that. He sent us down to the Maternal Fetal Medicine department for another ultrasound.
The doctor there said "We have a problem, your baby is going to die". Even though he was so blunt, I was happy he didn't beat around the bush and try to sugarcoat everything. The baby's heartbeat was only 78 beats per minute (should be 150+) and he diagnosed the baby with cystic hygroma. A cystic hygroma is diagnosed in about 1-5,000-10,000 babies. This fluid filled cyst is filled with lymphatic fluid due to the baby's lymph nodes not working properly. Our ultrasound revealed a cyst near the back of the baby's neck. When you looked down at the baby's head, the doctor said it looked like the baby had a halo and that this was all swelling. (You can find out more about cystic hygroma HERE).
He asked if we wanted to terminate the pregnancy. Even though the inevitable was going to happen, we had no desire to terminate the pregnancy while the baby's heart was still beating. He told us to come back a week later for another ultrasound and to check the heartbeat.
Tim and I went for another ultrasound on Monday, September 21 and there was no heartbeat. Even though we were prepared for this day, it was still devastating. They measured the baby and it measured around 9 weeks 6 days, which means the heart stopped beating a day or two after our ultrasound last week. This was probably also around the same time my nauseousness stopped. We scheduled a D&C this Friday. I wanted a D&C for a few reasons:
1. I have heard of people waiting to miscarriage naturally and it could take weeks
2. You never know when its going to happen. I have heard from some of my friends and they say when it happened, they bled so much that it was scary. What if it happened when I was home alone with Avery?
3. Sometimes having a miscarriage is just as painful as childbirth. Your body can have painful contractions and you feel the urge to push.
4. I want to get the baby tested for chromosomal issues and if I ended up miscarrying at home, this would make it difficult to send the baby to the lab for testing.
I was just starting to get a baby belly..it literally showed up overnight. My stomach is as big now at 11 weeks as it was around 19 weeks with Avery. It's crazy how fast it started to get bigger. I took a few pics and will post them some other time.
Here is the last pic we have of Baby S. It was starting to look super cute!
I know this is a private matter but the reason I decided to share this is so everyone know's why Tim and I may not be ourselves lately. We just need some time. I know things will eventually get easier. I know people go through miscarriages all the time.(10-25% of all pregnancies end in miscarriage).Many people also experience having a preemie/baby in the nicu. You never know what any of it is really like until you experience it for yourself. Again, it makes you much more grateful and appreciative of the little things in life.
Thursday, September 10, 2015
First Day of Preschool
Avery started special ed preschool last week. We had
orientation on Monday and her first day was last Tuesday. She goes for 2 ½ hours
a day. She then takes a school bus to daycare. Tim and I both took off of work
to take her to school her first day. Its unbelievable the amount of school
supplies a preschooler needs. There was no way she would have been able to carry
all of that in by herself. We walked her in (well really carried her), took her
supplies to her room and then waited with the other kids on the bench in the
hallway. What’s nice is that when you drop your child off in the morning,
teachers and assistants will get your child out of your car and then walk them
into school, to their teacher’s specified bench. Avery was very shy but she
didn’t cry. There were some kids who were screaming.
Including Avery, there are 9 kids in her class..6 girls and
3 boys. There is a mix of kids with special needs and “role model” students
(students without special needs). I am very optimistic because I think she will
finally be getting the help she needs. She will see the speech pathologist 2
times a week and also get Occupational Therapy and Physical Therapy. I have heard
from quite a few people about how good this school is so I am really excited
for her.
While Avery was in preschool, we went home for a few hours
and then met her school bus at daycare so I could take a picture of Avery
riding the bus for the first time. Needless to say, she wasn’t very excited
about it. You can see for yourself in the picture below..lol.
She also got moved up in her class at daycare to junior
preschool. I wasn’t sure about her being ready but I was informed it wasn’t
much different than her previous class. Also, around 9 students from her
current class moved up to junior preschool. They still get all the meals,
snacks and nap time as before. Really the only difference is this is the room
she will learn to be potty trained in. She won’t be able to move out of this
class until she is potty trained so I have a feeling she will be in here for a
while. Tuesday was her first day in her new room at daycare and the teacher
told Tim that Avery was the best eater out of the whole class! I asked him if
she knew which child was Avery. I also heard from my brother in law, who works
at the daycare, that she ate really well.
Preschool orientation. These kids are huge!
Speaking of huge...this sign is huge!
Preschool orientation. These kids are huge!
Speaking of huge...this sign is huge!
Ready for my first day!
Picture with Mommy..
...and Daddy
Look at me, don't I look excited to be on the bus? At least the girl next to me was happy. I got a "I had a rockin first day" hat too but I didn't want it to mess up my hair.
Saturday, September 5, 2015
A Birthday Surprise!
Avery had her 3rd birthday party last weekend. I
decided to go with a farm theme, since we got chickens this year. Next year, I
am hoping that Avery will be able to choose her theme. The weather was warm but
it didn’t rain so I was happy. The kids had fun playing with the blow up
waterslide/pool. (Thanks Cheryl!). Thank
you to everyone who came out for Avery’s birthday party. We were so happy you
could all celebrate with us. Maybe next year we will have a bigger house/yard. I
still can’t believe we have a 3 year old. The nicu days went so slow but it
seems like the days are flying by now.
Here are some pics from my party!
Me and Grandpa S
Yum, look at all the food!
Look at the piggy balloons!
Uncle Greg, Jenny, Aunt Terri, Aunt Lauren, Aunt Cheryl, Grandma and baby Makinsley
Grandpa and Grandma B
Aunt Janet, Uncle George and Kaitlin
The cool waterslide Aunt Cheryl brought over!
Todd, Cameron and Michelle
Cowboy hats!
Daddy, Chuck and Greyson
Family photo
Greyson and Heather
Look at all of the presents!
Check out my cowgirl outfit
Chewie and Scarlett got dressed up too
I got some cool clothes and awesome gifts for my
birthday! My last gift was from Daddy and Mommy and it was a Big Sister shirt. Best present ever!
We are pregnant! Everyone was very excited for us. It’s still pretty early but we thought it would be a good time to tell everyone. We are only 8 weeks and due in the middle of April. We are nervous to have a repeat of what happened with Avery but are hopeful this baby will stay put much longer than 25 weeks. I didn’t get sick at all with Avery but have gotten sick a few times this time around.
We are pregnant! Everyone was very excited for us. It’s still pretty early but we thought it would be a good time to tell everyone. We are only 8 weeks and due in the middle of April. We are nervous to have a repeat of what happened with Avery but are hopeful this baby will stay put much longer than 25 weeks. I didn’t get sick at all with Avery but have gotten sick a few times this time around.
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